Too Pretty To Be Fat.

I couldn't sleep last night. It seems when ever I have a successful day I can't sleep. And when that happens thoughts and memories float around in my head. I decided to tell you all about one in particular.

I was sitting some where(living room? I don't remember) eating a snack. My beloved Nana was there with me also eating. I was watching t.v.,she was watching me. When suddenly she asked me a question, "Do you ever think about loosing that weight, Mimi?". I was shocked by the spontaneity of her question, that I sat there dumbfounded for a few seconds before replying shakily "What do you mean,Nana?". I was trying my hardest not to cry. My own Nana thought I was fat? The one who's always there for me, who's so sweet. And she finds me so fat to ask me about it.

"Well you're so beautiful. And I think your weight is holding you back from...experiencing things."she as kindly as possible. But I could see the disgust, and disappointment in her eyes about my weight. I hated it, I hated seeing her feel that way about me. But most of all I hated myself even more, for making her feel this way.

"Nana, I'd rather not talk about this." I said quietly. All of a sudden I had an interest in the pale tile floor and couldn't look away from it.

"Mimi we need to talk about this. You're too pretty to be fat." she grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes. With her usual kindness back in place of the disgust and disappointment. It didn't matter though. I felt like a hot knife had been stabbed through my chest. And that "too pretty" comment was it twisting around in their.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom." I said numbly.

"O.k. I love you,Mimi." "Love you too, Nana." I called over my back as I rushed into the bathroom.

Once there with the door securely closed behind me. I began to purge. Something I had done before and most certainly would again.

I'm not vain. But... I'm too pretty to be fat.(I guess)

Love you to the bones,
Mimi